My name is ***** and I’m a workaholic

I haven’t written since last April. I have not dated too much since then. I basically put every ounce of energy and second of time into my studies. I really admire ambitious people, I use to be one of them. I come from an accomplished family, I’m in awe of people who are devoted to their careers. When you are successful, your life means something. You’re not wasting your life away, you have something to show for yourself. It’s equivalent to being a parent and having a child. You’re doing something that matters. I’m sick of life feeling insignificant. When I was in that relationship I lost a lot of my drive. I use to be driven and hard working. But this semester I finally got it back! I’m taking extremely difficult classes and I have two research positions at the hospital. The ex who was lazy himself, would always complain that I was lazy. I was lazy because I was lost. I didn’t have something to get me out of bed every morning. I lacked a purpose and I’m so grateful I finally found myself. I’m a bit of a workaholic. I went into work today during the holiday week and I was the only one there. I don’t like stress or test anxiety, but I love being a workaholic. I know my life isn’t balanced and it probably isn’t healthy for me to work so hard, but I’m anxious if I’m not doing something to further my career. I want to be self sufficient, respected, and to feel good about myself because I accomplished a difficult goal. School and work is the new great love of my life. It’s the only constant I can control. Eventually everything I’m working so hard for will come to fruition. I will become a doctor. So fuck dating and constant disappointment. Being a workaholic gives me a purpose and a reason to wake up in the morning. It’s more than just having goals I want to achieve. It’s a lifestyle that makes life tolerable and sustainable during those lonely nights.

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My Birthday Omen

 

Lately, has been particularly difficult for me. A year has passed since the break-up and I’m just exhausted. This single event has been so painful for me every single day over the past year. Every time there’s a birthday or anniversary that comes up, I get really sad and nostalgic. Like I can’t just get passed this. It also sets me back that a couple of friends have recently broken up with their boyfriends and they talk to me about their heartbreak and problems. I have no problem talking to them, but I can’t continue talking about my break-up. Enough is enough. I have been in mourning for over a year… I barely live anymore. I can’t think about my career or working on my blog; I am perpetually in a state of grief and anger. I need to stop obsessing about the past and focus on the present and future.

 

So it was my birthday. My second birthday since the break-up. Last year my birthday was torture. It was right after the break-up and I was in so much pain. This year I thought I don’t feel like celebrating birthday again because there is absolutely nothing to celebrate. I don’t have a career or relationship to celebrate, I haven’t accomplished or achieved anything. My family kept telling me enough with the pity party you have to move past this. Me being the stubborn person I am was very resistant. I don’t want to acknowledge my birthday. I’m nearing 30 and at this point in my life I should have had my shit together.

 

About 8 months ago I was in a very dark place. I was contemplating suicide for awhile. The darkness got so bad to the point that I planned and prepared for my suicide. What stopped me the night I was going to do it was my family, they had made brunch plans for that next morning. I thought how I wouldn’t show up for brunch or answer my phone and everyone in my family would be so worried. My parents would come to my place and find my dead body in my bedroom. Although I felt like killing myself would be ridding my family of a burden, I couldn’t inflict that kind of trauma on my parents. So I didn’t do it. Why would I hurt myself and my family over some pig who broke up with my before our wedding. He’s not worth it.

 

It wasn’t that he just broke up with me. It was that I had no indication that it was coming. Not only was it out of the blue, he never told me why apart from me being immature. I don’t understand, nothing in my personality all of sudden changed. I didn’t become increasingly more immature over the course of three years. Nor did we ever have a discussion about it. However, I got blamed as to the reason for the break up and he never said anything more than I’m immature. I never received any closure. To this this day I still have no idea what the hell happened.

 

Thinking back on that time and how far I have come, I realized I do have something to celebrate. I’m alive. I have overcome something really traumatic and I persevered. So fuck him. I’m taking my life back. I celebrated my birthday and I had fun! Fun… it’s almost a foreign concept. I honestly can’t recall the last time I had fun. I smiled and I laughed and it was glorious. I had dinner with my siblings today for my birthday and I went to the bathroom and it had graffiti all over the walls. Thousands upon thousands of scribbles. One in specific caught my eye. It was very faint and in the corner. So strange… it said, “I was engaged and now I’m not. Single life is so much better! Yeah =) -JMM”. I would do anything to meet the girl who wrote it. It’s such a simple and small thing but it was exactly what I needed. Someone else had a broken engagement and found happiness afterwards. Clearly it was something they felt like they needed to write on the wall and announce. I can’t put into words how it moved me. Image

No longer hot Atheist (Mr. Crazypants): Update #2

So last night Mr. Crazypants asked if I wanted to hangout.  I did not reply and three hours later he wrote, “I’ll take that as a no”?

If I don’t tell this guy to leave me alone, I’ll I have another a-hole texting for 8 years.  At least I learned my lesson and now have a google voice number that I give to boys. So I text Crazypants, “Listen I’m no longer interested.  I’m not cool with  being called unreliable by someone who doesn’t know me.  Best of luck.

A minute later Crazypants replies, “Well I wasn’t trying to be mean. It just hurt my feeling that I had this nice date planned for us and you didn’t even call to cancel”.

Here’s the thing:

1. Never called to cancel- He never called me to set up the date. I didn’t stand him up, I texted him the day before the date.  Plus, we have never even spoken on the phone!

2.It hurt his feelings?  What is he a needy delicate flower?

3. A week went by between our one and only text exchange and the scheduled date, and he never contacted me in between that time.

4. He told me my unreliability is a turn off and a couple days later he asks me to hang out that very same night.  Bootycall perhaps?

After 30 minutes he writes, “I guess you’re not interested in giving it a second chance”.

This morning I wake up to another text message! “So you’re seriously over this?”

Tonight I got a voicemail from him asking to meet up trying to be flexible with my schedule.

This guy is obsessive and relentless .

Hot Athiest

This super hot guy contacts me from online. We start chatting and he tells me he is an Atheist. He proceeds to ask me if I believe in all that religion stuff?

We set up a date for week later. I don’t hear from him the whole week and never responds to my last text, so I figure the date is not going to happen. The day before the date he wants know if we are still on? I ask if we can postpone the date a couple days because I have an exam coming up. He asks why would I schedule a date before an exam… I say because the semester just started and I didn’t know.
He then tells me that unreliability is a turn off.

What psychopath. He didn’t text me for over a week and who the hell gets so confrontational with someone the don’t know. If I wanted to be antagonistic I would tell him that crazy men are a turn off to me.

I’m not even going to reply to this guy. I can already tell that he probably has borderline personality disorder. What a nut job.

If I didn’t have a solid male father figure in my life I would become either a cat lady or a lesbian.

One tough Hoe

This could potentially be the best post I will ever write and I’m not being hyperbolic.

Nearly 8 years ago in college, I met this law student once who was in Hillel with me.  Let me repeat myself… I met him ONCE nearly 8 YEARS AGO.  I don’t remember what he looks like and I would not be able to pick him out of a prison line up.

This guy has texted me incessantly for close to a decade.  I receive an upwards of 15-20 texts a year.  Initially it was “Yo waz up! Wat u doin tonit”? I never respond because I dislike people who can’t spell and I have no idea who this fool is aside from meeting at a Hillel (Jewish college group) event when I was 18. By the time I graduated from college and had a serious boyfriend I got really sick of his texts.  So for the first time in 5 years I replied “I don’t know you. Please stop texting me”!!!  The a-hole wrote “Yo this ***** from Hillel”.  Another time he texts me I write “Sorry busy I’m nursing my baby”.  He writes, “that’s cool…you still doin film cuz I got a documentary in Sundance”. I said, “No, I am married and moved to Florida with my husband and two kids”.  You’d think that a guy would stop texting after this…but of course not!

So this weekend I’m at a Jewish event because how else am I suppose to meet my future husband?  Online dating hasn’t been going so well.  I’m approached by this short turd who starts hitting on me.  I smell insecurity and narcissism from a mile away.  The odor is nauseating.  He acts like a big shot and mentions he’s a lawyer.  SOMETHING CLICKS.  There is only one other person on planet Earth who has annoyed the shit out me like this before. I ask where he went for law school and it’s where I went to undergrad. I ask him for his phone and he hands me this stone age looking device.  I dial my number and my name pops up in his contact list. I’m listed as ” ***** hoe film”. This is the douche bag who won’t leave me alone!

I say to him “YOU WONT STOP TEXTING ME”.  He acts oblivious like he has not a clue in the world. “The last time you texted me was a week ago for your birthday party.  The time before that was New Years, Christmas, Hannukah, Thanksgiving,  and Halloween.  Who the fuck invites everyone on their phone to come to their birthday party”?????  He says, “250 people showed up at my party”. Congratulations.  A bunch of people you don’t know showed up at a bar.  You probably included in that inflated number normal bar patrons.

First, I haven’t responded to you in 8 years except when I wrote that I don’t know you and I have babies.  Second, who the hell saves girls they don’t know in their phone as “hoe”.  Third, you fucking spelled ho wrong.

He said, “I probably saved you as ho because you annoyed me.” I reply, “How exactly did I annoy you”? “You  ignored me” he said. “Also you are not the only hoe in my phone”.  He hands me his phone and types hoe.  Literally hundreds of girls names are listed as… Sarah hoe, Big Tits from Party hoe, Sexy bitch hoe, Easy girl from club hoe, Loose vagina Hoe…….ETC…..

I try to delete my number from his phone but that piece of shit mobile device isn’t touch screen! I don’t remember how to use a non-touch screen phone.  What am I an animal?

The next day I get a phone call.  I answer it before I even look at the caller ID.  I’m not trying evade any debt collectors so by habit I forget to read who’s calling.  Great! It’s Napoleon Bonaparte from last night.  I ask him what does he want. And he starts chatting away about… I don’t know what because I don’t give a shit.  I said, “Do you actually think I’ll go out with you”?  He said, “Uh um uh… I don’t know…Maybe…Probably not”.  I say “You’re right probably not”.  I don’t know in what world did it become okay to treat women like that.  To save girls numbers on your phone in such a vile way.  I tell him you have been texting me non-stop for so effing long!  I even tell you I’m married and have kids because you’re annoying me and my boyfriend.  You’ll text me at 1am asking “where you at” and you don’t even remember what I look like! “Do you typically text girls who you save as hoe at night for booty calls”?  For Christ’s sake, “8 years and I haven’t given you the time of day”.  This is pathetic…when do you stop?  He says, “So what’s wrong with that”? I ask, “Do you have a sister”?  He says,”Yeah and I’m really protective of her”.  Interesting I claim, “You wouldn’t let her in 100 ft radius of someone like you”.

This is when he really starts to get under my skin.  He starts asking me why did my boyfriend and I break up.  I say, “It’s none of your business and it’s irrelevant”.  He won’t let it go!!  He wants to know what happened while trying to sound sincere and concerned.  I say, “You’re starting to annoy the shit out of me…why don’t you save me as ***** cunt and leave me fuck alone…better yet, lose my number”.  He said, “I’ll save you as ***** bloody cunt”. Great!  And I hang up on him!

There is something fundamentally and cognitively wrong with this guy.

What do you think?  Was I too mean?  I felt like this loser is incapable of picking up social cues and I had to be tough and harsh so he will leave me alone. Otherwise it will be another 8 years of his texts.

Pity party: update

So my non-date (just a guy friend) completely stood me up for Valentine’s Day. The A-hole didn’t text me till noon the next day and said that he fell asleep and just woke up. First, how does someone sleep for 16 hours straight and not wake up once. Second, when I last spoke to him he said he was on his way to my house. That little a-hole made a conscious decision to stand me up. There is no way he slept for 16 hours straight and not looked at his phone once.

In unrelated news, today I had lunch with this woman in the Jewish community who I randomly met at a restaurant a couple weeks ago. My mom overheard her asking the waitress if she was single because she has a godson who is single. My mom interrupts and says I have someone who is available. The woman turns to my mother and tells her that she is told old for the boy. My exclaims, “first of all I am not too old and secondly my daughter is the available one”. Long story short, the boy ends up not being interested which is fine because on Facebook he kind of looked like a douche. However, the lady and I kept in touch and decided to meet for lunch.

The minute I walk into the restaurant the first person I see is this girl that my ex use to hook up with. When they were on birthright she cheated on her boyfriend with my ex. My ex knew she had a boyfriend. The two of them are enormous assholes.

The first birthday of his that we celebrate after becoming an item, he decides to throw himself a party. He tells me NOT asks me…that since I’m cool he is going to invite her to his birthday.

The girl comes to his party with some guy she’s dating. He and I are both extremely uncomfortable. She cheated in her last guy with my ex and the only thing that girl and I have in common is him.

After the party, she writes in his Facebook “lets be friends again”! My ex says you’d be ok if her and I are friends …because you’re cool like that.

I say stop trying to manipulate me and instead of asking how I feel, you’re basically saying if I disagree I must not be “cool”. Also, she didn’t respect her last boyfriend and cheated in him with you. What in the hell makes you think she will respect my relationship? It’s not about jealousy or trust, which what he claimed my problem was all about. Nice, that asshole turned his bad behavior around on me. I told him that the nature of this relationship is inappropriate. You guys were never friends. Your entire relationship was based on hooking up. Would your dad do this to your mom?

We fought about this for two weeks. I said if you really want to be friends with her, fine! But I will no longer want to be in this relationship. You have no respect for me or how I feel. To shut me up he eventually agreed with me. I never really forgave him for this torture for the entirety of our relationship. I always resented him for it.

Anyways, her and I made eye contact today. The only open table in the restaurant was next to her. She recognized me but I don’t know if she knew how she knows me. But I know her and him are still Facebook friends and maybe they talk now I’m out of the picture. And he did just write all over his Facebook that he is in town visiting.

My pity party

So I made plans with a guy friend to hang out on Valentine’s day so I wouldn’t feel sad today. Someone told me my ex is in town and I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t stay home depressed. Well he’s an hour and a half late and I can’t get a hold of him. I’m sitting in my living room dressed up waiting like an idiot for hours. I’m sick with worry but our other friend is reassuring me that he’s fine. Initially I felt pissed that he was late and ignoring my calls. Now I’m freaking out that something bad happened. I think I’m going to throw up.

Valentine’s Day- A day for reflection and wallowing in self-pity

February 14th, a day all singles dread with fear. When I was in my early 20’s I could careless about the made-up Hallmark money grubbing holiday. When I was in a relationship we didn’t really ever do anything special for the occasion. No exchanging of gifts or dinner plans. I like to think that it didn’t bother me at the time because I’m not one of those girls…who expects to be lavished with flowers and jewelry. But I have to say its important to make an effort to do something nice for your partner. It doesn’t have to cost a dime but put a little thought and effort into it.

Today is Valentine’s Day and it sucks. What ever happened to my Valentine’s day is a bullshit holiday that I use to have? Now I’m just worried as hell that I am doomed to be single for the rest of my life since my dating experiences as of late have sucked. But I can’t let guys know I’m worried about this! They don’t like girls who worry about having their ovaries drying up and being 40 and single. Not that there is anything wrong with being 40 and single! But lets face it…no one wants to be the 40 year old single girl with a bunch of cats. At least I’m allergic to cats.